Welcome back Viphilus*
Today we launch into the
first of Covey’s three principles for living effectively with other people.
The WIN:WIN paradigm. This
may be the most annoyingly misunderstood and misquoted of Covey’s 7 habits. In
fact, almost nobody that I know actually understands it. Everyone quotes it but
too few really know the principle behind it … or the depth of control that they
have in creating the WIN:WIN scenario. At least Covey’s version of that
expression. For most people, a WIN:WIN situation is where both parties in a
negotiation or situation come out with a new benefit or advantage: both parties
are happy with the outcome and feel like they have gained ground in some way. I’ve
heard people use the expression in describing a life situation where they and
another person have both “come out ahead,” by complete accident. While it is
true that they have both “won” in some sense, this does not at all describe
Covey’s usage.
The following diagram describes
this principle:
Here is the main teaching point about the WIN:WIN scenario that is lost on most people. It is not simply a happy outcome where both parties come out with a new advantage. It is an intentional pursuit on the part of at least one of the parties that unless both parties can achieve a new advantage, there is NO DEAL. Covey really stresses this part … and for a very good reason … because this is the core principle behind Christianity … it is the principle that sets Christianity apart from all other religions;
It is 100% about
relationship!
Quite simply, it works this
way. If you are entering into a negotiation with me (on anything) and it is
your practice to always engage in WIN:WIN scenarios … then you will fight just
as hard for MY WIN in the negotiation as you will for YOUR OWN WIN. This is
completely counter-cultural (any culture … in any era in human history). It is
completely opposite of a dog-eat-dog mentality. It is completely opposite of
“each man for himself” philosophies. It is simply the opposite of what is
observed in probably 99+% of human interactions.
Let me state it again. As a
pursuer of WIN:WIN scenarios, you will work every bit as hard to make sure that
I win in our negotiation as you will to make sure that you win. This is about
simultaneously respecting both me and yourself. AND …. any other outcome is
unacceptable and you will simply not agree to it. To put the finest point on
it, if I don’t come out ahead in our negotiation, even though you yourself do,
you will stop the negotiation and state “no deal.”
So where is this in the
Bible? You’d have to read the entire Bible to see it, or at least the entire
New Testament. It is the principle behind the Gospel (the good news). Look at
the diagram that I am including here and ponder it before reading further.
This is Christianity in a nutshell:
- God created us in His image to live with Him in
paradise.
- We screwed up and He kicked us out.
- God taught us how fruitless it is to try fixing the
relational fracture on our own.
- He came to earth in human form to first, walk in our
shoes to fully demonstrate empathy for our predicament (more on that next week),
then second, to rescue us from it by showing us the way out of the pit
into which we had fallen.
- We follow Him out of the pit and back into paradise. (He doesn't just know the way ... He IS the way)
In the diagram above, we see
our relationship with Him unfolding 4 possible ways:
- WIN/LOSE … God’s justice is satisfied (He wins) and we
are condemned for violating his rules (we lose). God is a bully in this
scenario and just sends everyone to hell.
- LOSE/LOSE … God’s apathy about the whole thing drives
Him away from us, leaving us to figure out things on our own. He gets no
satisfaction for having His justice violated (He loses) and we permanently
lose our relationship with Him (we lose). God simply doesn’t care in this
scenario.
- LOSE/WIN … God’s love is so strong that he simply overlooks
our sins and sets aside the fact that His justice was violated (He loses).
Everyone gets to go to heaven (we win).
- WIN/WIN … God’s justice is perfect and His integrity
will not allow Him to simply overlook our sins, so judgment is passed and
the penalty must be paid (He wins). At the same time, His love for us is
infinite that He can’t bear the thought of us spending eternity apart from
Him, so He lets us off the hook and declares us innocent by taking our
place and paying the penalty for us (we win). BUT … and this next part is
where we come in … we simply agree and tell God, “Yes, please – thank you …
I accept those terms.” If we don’t
do that or can’t agree to that, then God declares, NO DEAL.
I don’t know if you are
familiar with Christianity or if what you just read is the first time you have
ever heard this … but this is what Christians refer to as “The Good News.”
Think about it … God does all the work while we are the recipients of
extraordinary benefits. Who in their right minds would say NO to this?
Well, I guess it isn’t about
being in a right mind as much as it is simply accepting, on faith, that such a “free
lunch” could possibly exist. The cynic in us says, “Hang on … what’s the
catch? When does the other shoe fall? What’s in it for God? Why would He do this?” It’s
called love … not a warm fuzzy feeling … rather, it is an intentional choice to
make a completely selfless act of kindness (as opposed to a random act of
kindness … this is not random at all). The Godly kind of love is a relentless unconditional
effort to pursue the benefits and advantages of others. This is so rare to
experience that it is seldom accepted without suspicion or skepticism.
If nothing else my hope is
that you never again use the expression WIN:WIN without realizing that the
origin of the paradigm is one that includes the NO-DEAL scenario and that it is
a mindset that drives you to do all the heavy lifting in the negotiation in
order to guarantee that the other person is just as guaranteed their win as you
are yours.
One question before I leave
you:
What is the only true way to
know what the other person wants or what the other person defines as their win?
This is where we pick up
next week as we look at Habit # 5.
I hope to see you back next
Monday.
Blessings Viphilus,
Your friend, Omega Man
* Viphilus means, "lover of life"
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