SAYS YOUR MOM: Don’t flatter yourself

Welcome back Viphilus*

Happy Labour Day (for those of you living where this holiday is celebrated).

This month I am going with the theme: “Says Your Mom,” which is a short collection of some profound things that my mother taught me that have helped me to fight my self-limiting, self-defeating and self-destructive tendencies.

Ellen Grace Bowyer (nee Burleigh), born in 1929, was a pure pleasure to family and friends, before she went to be with her Lord in early 2012. She spent over 40 years in insurance, spending her final decade or two of that time working with executives in that industry. Her marriage to my Dad came with significant challenges, including being born at a time when women worked out of the home while also being a consummate homemaker who did everything to keep the family fed, clothed and the home functioning well, with love. She always had a bit of a religious bent to her but never really came to know God until the late 70s when she declared Jesus to be the God of her life. Mom also had a boundless capacity for love and compassion.

The part I want to focus on though was her dual mature. Mom was a perfect blend of serious and fun-loving … craftiness and dumbness … intelligence and ignorance. There were times when all of us thought she was as stupid as a brick, only to discover that she was “stupid” like a fox. The things she taught me are truly countless. I hope you enjoy the posts this month, starting with a Yoda-like utterance that I heard from her when I was in my late teens or early twenties (before I had ever heard about a character named Yoda):

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what other people thought about you if you realized how little they did.”

I’m not sure that she ever fully understood the depths of my social phobias when I was young. I missed a great deal of school in grades 5, 7 and 11 because I was sick. Now I did present at doctor’s offices and hospitals with real physical (and some debilitating) symptoms and problems … but the sickness originated in my mind. At least that’s my current day self-diagnosis of the pre-1976 Peter. And the real driver of that mental/emotional sickness was fear: fear of people’s perception of me. I was mortally afraid of being embarrassed or being seen to be incompetent. We can analyze that to death, but I’d prefer to just look at the solution. Queue Yoda-Mom.

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what other people thought about you if you realized how little they did.” The wisdom behind this sentence is the simple truth that while many (most?) of us expend an inordinate amount of energy worrying or fretting about what others are thinking about us, the stark reality is that they aren’t thinking about us at all. In fact, chances are that they are actually obsessing about what you are thinking about them.

This was Mom’s way of telling me to stop flattering myself because nobody was thinking about me. That truth was a powerful aid to me. With God’s help I was overcoming my driving fears, but it was really important to have this simple truth-nugget to reflect on every time that old mindset started coming back to the surface … when the old jungle path was trying to invite me to clear it once again (see my July posts about Jungle paths). I furnished me with a dose of reality to ground out the negative charge building in me … a charge which would eventually have me filled with anxiety, making me hyper-vigilant about my mistakes, ignorance and weaknesses. Now it is a good thing to be conscious of those things, but never hyper-vigilant, because then the mind obsesses and the mistakes, ignorance and weaknesses become the drivers because of the mind’s over-attention on them.

Mom was a clever old gal. I don’t know if she knew exactly how much I needed that sentence in my life, but she did know of humanity’s generic tendency towards being self-absorbed or self-focused. So let me pass on Mom’s wisdom to you … listen to her; she knew what she was talking about. If you:

1. obsess on what other people think about you;
2. have imaginary arguments in your mind with Ben  because you “know” that he will be against your idea;
3. are filled with anxiety because you “know” that the Joneses think you are living prodigally;
4. wonder why Sally didn’t properly acknowledge you when you passed her this morning;
5. wonder why  John seemed cold and aloof to you at the meeting last night;
6. wonder why your brother is angry at you (as evidenced by him not returning you calls);

… then consider the following …

1. stop flattering yourself … chances are that NOBODY is thinking about you.
2. maybe you are so nervous around Ben that you actually make mistakes more often … so you can change that yourself.
3. maybe you feel guilty because you actually are being wasteful and foolish with your money … don’t blame the Joneses for that (they probably aren’t even thinking about you).
4. Sally might have been distracted by her own thoughts and didn’t actually see you.
5. John might have been feeling ill from a bad burrito he ate for lunch that day.
6. Your brother might just be insanely busy and just not considerate … or he might have done some foolish things that now have him in trouble and he is too embarrassed to talk to you because he is afraid you’ll judge him.

You’re likely saying, “Yes Peter, but sometimes my fears are founded and my thoughts/concerns are valid.”  And you would be right. But in my experience, choosing a more positive interpretation is better for your emotional state, which ultimately is better for maintaining a healthy relational spirit. Fears drive us to be hermits, which usually just reinforces the social fears … and the downward spiral begins.

Mom knew what she was talking about … listen to her, and stop flattering yourself. Nobody is thinking about you.

I hope to see you back next Monday.

Blessings Viphilus,

Your friend, Omega Man

OCA Training

* Viphilus means, "lover of life"