Habit # 4: Think Win:Win (biblically speaking)

Welcome back Viphilus*

Today we launch into the first of Covey’s three principles for living effectively with other people.

The WIN:WIN paradigm. This may be the most annoyingly misunderstood and misquoted of Covey’s 7 habits. In fact, almost nobody that I know actually understands it. Everyone quotes it but too few really know the principle behind it … or the depth of control that they have in creating the WIN:WIN scenario. At least Covey’s version of that expression. For most people, a WIN:WIN situation is where both parties in a negotiation or situation come out with a new benefit or advantage: both parties are happy with the outcome and feel like they have gained ground in some way. I’ve heard people use the expression in describing a life situation where they and another person have both “come out ahead,” by complete accident. While it is true that they have both “won” in some sense, this does not at all describe Covey’s usage.

The following diagram describes this principle:

Here is the main teaching point about the WIN:WIN scenario that is lost on most people. It is not simply a happy outcome where both parties come out with a new advantage. It is an intentional pursuit on the part of at least one of the parties that unless both parties can achieve a new advantage, there is NO DEAL. Covey really stresses this part … and for a very good reason … because this is the core principle behind Christianity … it is the principle that sets Christianity apart from all other religions;

It is 100% about relationship!

Quite simply, it works this way. If you are entering into a negotiation with me (on anything) and it is your practice to always engage in WIN:WIN scenarios … then you will fight just as hard for MY WIN in the negotiation as you will for YOUR OWN WIN. This is completely counter-cultural (any culture … in any era in human history). It is completely opposite of a dog-eat-dog mentality. It is completely opposite of “each man for himself” philosophies. It is simply the opposite of what is observed in probably 99+% of human interactions.

Let me state it again. As a pursuer of WIN:WIN scenarios, you will work every bit as hard to make sure that I win in our negotiation as you will to make sure that you win. This is about simultaneously respecting both me and yourself. AND …. any other outcome is unacceptable and you will simply not agree to it. To put the finest point on it, if I don’t come out ahead in our negotiation, even though you yourself do, you will stop the negotiation and state “no deal.”

So where is this in the Bible? You’d have to read the entire Bible to see it, or at least the entire New Testament. It is the principle behind the Gospel (the good news). Look at the diagram that I am including here and ponder it before reading further.

This is Christianity in a nutshell:

• God created us in His image to live with Him in paradise.
• We screwed up and He kicked us out.
• God taught us how fruitless it is to try fixing the relational fracture on our own.
• He came to earth in human form to first, walk in our shoes to fully demonstrate empathy for our predicament (more on that next week), then second, to rescue us from it by showing us the way out of the pit into which we had fallen.
• We follow Him out of the pit and back into paradise. (He doesn't just know the way ... He IS the way)

In the diagram above, we see our relationship with Him unfolding 4 possible ways:

1. WIN/LOSE … God’s justice is satisfied (He wins) and we are condemned for violating his rules (we lose). God is a bully in this scenario and just sends everyone to hell.
2. LOSE/LOSE … God’s apathy about the whole thing drives Him away from us, leaving us to figure out things on our own. He gets no satisfaction for having His justice violated (He loses) and we permanently lose our relationship with Him (we lose). God simply doesn’t care in this scenario.
3. LOSE/WIN … God’s love is so strong that he simply overlooks our sins and sets aside the fact that His justice was violated (He loses). Everyone gets to go to heaven (we win).
4. WIN/WIN … God’s justice is perfect and His integrity will not allow Him to simply overlook our sins, so judgment is passed and the penalty must be paid (He wins). At the same time, His love for us is infinite that He can’t bear the thought of us spending eternity apart from Him, so He lets us off the hook and declares us innocent by taking our place and paying the penalty for us (we win).                 BUT … and this next part is where we come in … we simply agree and tell God, “Yes, please – thank you … I accept those terms.”  If we don’t do that or can’t agree to that, then God declares, NO DEAL.

I don’t know if you are familiar with Christianity or if what you just read is the first time you have ever heard this … but this is what Christians refer to as “The Good News.” Think about it … God does all the work while we are the recipients of extraordinary benefits. Who in their right minds would say NO to this?

Well, I guess it isn’t about being in a right mind as much as it is simply accepting, on faith, that such a “free lunch” could possibly exist. The cynic in us says, “Hang on … what’s the catch?   When does the other shoe fall?  What’s in it for God? Why would He do this?” It’s called love … not a warm fuzzy feeling … rather, it is an intentional choice to make a completely selfless act of kindness (as opposed to a random act of kindness … this is not random at all). The Godly kind of love is a relentless unconditional effort to pursue the benefits and advantages of others. This is so rare to experience that it is seldom accepted without suspicion or skepticism.

If nothing else my hope is that you never again use the expression WIN:WIN without realizing that the origin of the paradigm is one that includes the NO-DEAL scenario and that it is a mindset that drives you to do all the heavy lifting in the negotiation in order to guarantee that the other person is just as guaranteed their win as you are yours.

One question before I leave you:

What is the only true way to know what the other person wants or what the other person defines as their win?

This is where we pick up next week as we look at Habit # 5.

I hope to see you back next Monday.

Blessings Viphilus,

Your friend, Omega Man

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* Viphilus means, "lover of life"