Habit # 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood (biblically speaking)

Welcome back Viphilus*

My son’s Boy Scout Leader taught him that since we all have two ears and only one mouth we should listen twice as much as we speak. I liked that little analogy.

In a famous prayer, St. Francis of Assisi asked God to help him to, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Covey might have got this from St. Francis, but if he did, he likely also sought out where the saint got it from himself: the Bible.

Here’s my guess how it unfolded for the saint. As he did every day, St. Francis was doing his daily devotional readings and prayers. On one particular day he read Proverbs 18 and was struck with 2 verses in particular:

Proverbs 18:2: –  “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.”

Proverbs 18:13 – “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”

Solomon’s focus is on fools who speak before listening and who are so self-absorbed that they could care less what others think and who love to listen to the sound of their own voice as they rattle off their own opinions. When Jesus’ brother, James, encouraged us all to, “be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19), I think it was because he knew that we al have selfish and prideful tendencies.

Therefore, one reason we should seek first to understand before we try to be understood is because it will help get us outside of ourselves and, in humility, come to learn that others have thoughts and opinions as valid (if not more valid) then our own, not to mention that it demonstrates caring.

But, there are a couple more reasons... 

First, it greases the wheels of communication … people are much more prone to listen to you if they know that they also will be heard; especially if they have already been heard. 

Second, as the old expression goes, “walk a mile in another man’s shoes …” We all lack perspective and more often than not we judge others because we don’t actually understand what they are going through, or have gone through. This, of course, is empathy.

Sympathy is feeling someone else’s pain; empathy is understanding their pain. Sympathy says, “I know how you feel.” Empathy says, “I don’t necessarily know how you feel, but I understand why you feel the way you do.” Sociologists and psychologists have written scores of books on this topic and it turns out that being understood is one of our deepest human needs ... and when fulfilled it contributes greatly to our social success.

I have one more biblical example which, for me, trumps the clear words of Proverbs 18. It is God Himself. God revealed Himself to mankind in a progressive way and we always struggled to really know Him. But it wasn’t until He re-created Himself in the form of a human-being (John 1:1-14) that two things happened:

1. He walked a mile in our shoes in order to understand what He had asked us to do;
2. We could identify with Him because He had shown that he first wanted to identify with us.

The following words from Hebrews 2:10 are about Jesus. Look at them carefully.

God made the pioneer of our salvation perfect through what he suffered. 

How did he suffer, and why? The writer of Hebrews answers that as well in 2:14-18:

Jesus shared in our humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. …. For this reason he had to be made like us, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted. 

By walking in our shoes He showed that he not only understood, He could also show us the way out of our predicament. Jesus had both sympathy AND empathy. He both felt and understood the pain of our struggle. I like the writer's words in 4:15:

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 

Why bother to understand someone first before trying to get them to understand you? Because that’s what God did.

I hope to see you back next Monday.

Blessings Viphilus,

Your friend, Omega Man

OCA Training

* Viphilus means, "lover of life"